Being Alone

I got to a point one thursday where I found that being alone wasn't so bad.  The part that makes it hard is, for some of us, especially those like me who are constantly connected, just detox.  It's hard to bear deafening silence when all you're trained to hear is response, after response, after response.  It got me thinking: "why am I afraid of silence?"

The answer was: "if all is quiet, then I can hear myself, tell myself that not everything is okay, and for once, you'd actually have to care about getting hurt, being not okay, and that someone you really cared about forgot your birthday, for example." (#bitter)

And then, it all quieted down.  One cigarette after another, the waves crashing not too far off.  And I heard myself say the words that meant the most in trying times: "so what?"

"So what" if it hurts?  This is the part where I learned about acceptance.  Yes, it does hurt, and yes, I have no idea about what tomorrow will bring me, but it's fine.  There's nothing I can do about it other than, let it happen, and make the best of it.  If the act calls for scars, then let it be.  "So what?"

"So what" if you can't?  Then find a way to make it work, or forget about it.  It's not a problem if there is no solution, and although the easier thing to do is worry about it, and keep at it, let it go.  "So what?"

"So what" if you're alone?  I heard myself talk for the first time, and there were no words.  I heard a beating heart that fell in love, lost it's way, and bleeds.  Every beat is painful, but every beat is a reassurance of life, and that things may not necessarily get better, but it does not mean I cannot enjoy it.  Every beat was also a memory of how wonderful loving is.  Reciprocated or otherwise, when your heart beats for something, it pumps so much joy, sorrow and pain that you can never forget that you are human.

"So what" if I'm too afraid to send you that letter?

I know I want answers, and I know I want to put this to rest, but right now, I'm so distant from you, and right now, I'm alone.  I might be alone for another 22 years or so, but somehow, I'm okay with that.  There's much I still want to tell you, but you don't need to know them anymore, and I'm sure it'd bore you anyway.  So I will settle with thank you. :)  and if you aren't satisfied, "so what?"

ichi-go ichi-e.